The Wedding Speech
by totalizzyness
Summary: It's Erwin and Levi's wedding, and Mike & Hanji have one hell of a speech lined up... - Erwin/Levi - Cross-posted from AO3. Rating and pairings subject to change.


**(AN: I'm pretty much just making this up as I go along, so ratings may change, characters and ships will be added... It's supposed to basically read as How I Met Your Mother, with Hanji & Mike narrating the lives of Erwin & Levi)**

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Hanji cleared her throat obnoxiously as she pulled herself to her feet, her champagne flute clutched in her fingers. "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, guys and dolls, males and-"

"Get on with it, moron," Levi snapped. Hanji grinned, pushing several stray hairs back from her face.

"It is now time for the best _men_ speech, so Mike, if you could join me."

Mike leapt from his seat besides Erwin and stood next to Hanji, pulling a handful of cue cards from his jacket pocket.

"Mike and I knew we'd be the best of friends after just five minutes of meeting. We rapidly bonded over how our best friends were such massive sluts… which brings us to the story of how Levi and Erwin met."

Levi groaned, burying his face into the crook of Erwin's neck.

"You're not actually telling this story, are you?" Erwin sighed.

"Yes we are, bud. Take it away, Hanji," Mike grinned. Hanji cleared her throat again.

"A long time ago in a dive bar far far away, Levi and I were drinking away Levi's sorrows. Levi at the time was stuck in a dead-end job and hadn't gotten laid in too long; so he was poor and horny and as his best friend I had to help him out. I had just the bet for him. We were on about drink number two when this big blonde hunk came into the bar and Levi couldn't take his eyes off him. I knew Levi wouldn't approach him off his own back, so after several more drinks I bet him fifty dollars he wouldn't dare go over and kiss him… Levi downed his scotch, took my money and marched over."

Mike cleared his throat, preparing for his side of the story. "Erwin and I, one night, had found a nice little bar to unwind in; we hadn't had many drinks when Erwin's 'hottie alarm' went off."

"Fucking 'hottie alarm' my ass," Levi muttered.

"If Erwin were a dog his tail would have been wagging so fast he'd've taken off like a helicopter with his tongue lolling out."

"Thank you, Mike," Erwin sighed.

"However, before I could make a bet of my own, aforementioned 'hottie' dropped himself down in Erwin's lap, muttered something about the firmness of his chest and proceeded to stick his tongue down his throat."

"If you call me a 'hottie' one more time I'm going to gut you," Levi threatened. Hanji and Mike ignored the threat as Hanji continued the story.

"Blonde hunk was obviously taken a little aback by Levi's sudden advances but regained composure pretty quickly and began to kiss back; his big yaoi hands-"

"Yaoi hands?! I don't have yaoi hands!"

"-started on Levi's sides, pulling him closer to him before they trailed down to Levi's shapely ass."

"I wasn't entirely sure what was happening, but Erwin seemed to be enjoying himself - a lot if the moans were anything to go by - so I decided to leave him to it and went to join the grinning madwoman at the bar."

"And that's when Mike and I met! We talked about our respective slutty friends and their tastes in men and after ten minutes of watching them make out and grind against each other like horny teenagers, we agreed that Levi and Erwin were going to get married and began writing our best man speech. And here's the evidence!" Hanji help up a very crumpled napkin covered in messy handwriting.

"We wanted to eternalise the moment forever," Mike explained, unfolding the napkin, "and we both wrote a little message to read out if and when this moment came. Erwin, as I write this I have no doubt the midget in your lap with his hand most likely down your pants will one day become your husband, and if this is what your first meeting is like, I'm so fucking excited hear what he'll be getting you for your birthdays for all the years to come, not to mention your wedding night - for the record, from what I heard, Erwin's birthdays were nothing but spectacular… can I say, no gag reflex?"

"Shut the fuck up right now!" Levi's face glowed red as he scowled at Mike and Hanji, barely a few inches away from being able to punch them both, only being restrained by Erwin's arm around his waist.

"Anyway, back to the napkin," Hanji said, unfolding it to read what was written on the back. "Levi, if I haven't already bragged about this before today, I'd like to remind you that it's because of me that you're happier than you've ever been and are now married to the blonde hunk who is currently, as I write this, trying his hardest to find ways to defile you without anyone else in the bar noticing. If you've haven't been arrested for public indecency yet, you're both doing it wrong."

Mike raised his champagne flute, a smug grin on his face as he turned towards the severely embarrassed Erwin and Levi. "So we'd like everyone to raise their glasses to this despicable couple who met that evening in the bar, and have since been so infatuated with each other that they sometimes forget people are in the room when they begin to get a little handsy."

"For God's sake, Mike, please stop," Erwin whined, dropping his head onto the table.

"And in conclusion to the lovely story we told," Hanji continued, "Erwin and Levi disappeared to Levi's apartment just twenty minutes after meeting, and neither Mike nor I saw them again for two days. Two whole days! Of what Levi described to me was the best, most athletic, mind-blowing sex he'd ever had. Ever. Period. Right Levi?"

"I wish I was dead," Levi groaned.

"I do remember a remark about not being able to sit properly?"

"Stop talking."

Hanji took a quick sip of her champagne before putting the glass down on the table, pulling on her tie to loosen it somewhat before grinning out towards the small room of people. "Anyway. If that story hasn't alluded you to the kind of couple Erwin and Levi are, Mike and I have more stories for you. So sit back, open your ears, and enjoy these tales of 'Slutwin and Levi the Massive Whore'."


End file.
